Goodbye Son

A poem I wrote earlier this year, from a tender moment of saying goodbye.

“Goodbye Son.”
That’s what I said to him,
holding back my tears,
when he went south to begin college.

He left with one of my old frying pans
and a wooden spatula I’d been given recently.
And a new crockpot I bought for him,
like one that my grandparents gave to me
when I moved away.

I wished I could have given him more.

“I’m proud of you.
You have a good heart.
A good mind.
Do some good.”

We hugged.
Two softened men.
He held it a little extra,
which was tender to me,
and which was what I wanted to do.

“I wish for him everything
that I would wish for myself.”
That’s what I said to the stars
as he drove away that night.

“Good friends.
Good teachers.
Ease.
Opening up in his soul.
People who love him.
People who can see him
and know immediately
how absolutely stunning he is
just as he is.”

Make It Six

A few years back I invented a game that I started playing mostly with my youngest son, who was then six years old. It’s called, “Make It Six.” It needed a name. The point of the game is really simple — come up with six reasons why you think something is happening. It’s an interpretive, conversational game. I made it up to stretch his mind a bit when he was making rather strong judgements about people and what was happening around him. “That person is weird,” he might say because of the hat they were wearing. “Hmmm…, OK…,” I’d tell him. “Can you think of six reasons why that person is wearing that hat?” So as to not shame him, I shared that the person might just be weird (sometimes that was followed with an inquiry — what do you mean by weird?).

At first, his response was “no.” He couldn’t think of other reasons. But then he grew into it more. “Maybe the hat was a gift from a friend and it means a lot to wear it.” “Maybe it is a dare.”  “Maybe the person wants to cover up messy hair.” The answers didn’t matter. Seeing “maybe” did. And removing the tendency to judge or impose opinion with certainty so easily — well that’s just important skill, isn’t it.

The game was easy to play. Just needed fingers to count off the six alternative explanations. We played whenever I felt it was needed — in the car, at the dinner table, while watching TV — and often, was met with a groan of resistance. But it’s one of the things I’m proud of with him, as his dad. It’s a game that carries through life to build a sense of wonder about things that seem clear, but under the surface, may not be so clear.

Make It Six isn’t just for kids and geeky dads determined to broaden perspective. What I’m realizing is that broadening wonder and perspective is something for all of us. Politically, in the United States and in many other parts of the world, there is increasing trend to polarity. There is enough complexity that many are retreating to rather strong projections of certainty. It’s natural to do this. Just like it was pretty natural for my son at his developmental age to make judgments about a person’s hat. But just as it was then for him, now, this kind of polarity isn’t particularly helpful in society.

Making good decisions and understanding things well will always be important. And, it isn’t for me to say what those decisions are. I sometimes marvel at people’s certainty and clarity. My position and instinct has always been more reflective and contemplative. Without being able to help it, my disposition is to play Make It Six with most everything. In fact, I shared this with my son just the other day when he gave me a rather vague answer about his day at school. “Our teacher did the worst thing.” I of course didn’t know what that meant. “Did she give you too much homework? Did she ask you to read a challenging book? Did she change the way the desks are organized? Did she yell at you? Did she tease you?” I told my son that Make It Six goes on all of the time in my brain and that I needed just a bit more clarity from him.

The value I hope to add in Make It Six is often a dislocation from certainty, rather than a rigidifying of certainty. When working in teams, communities, and organizations, the ability to wonder together is in fact a critical competency. Rather than vying for a version of truth about what is happening (and recruiting others to it), exploring is the game. Wonder is the game. Broadened perspective is the game. It’s not about marketing and coercing a truth. It’s about being able to be in suspended certainty, even if just for a while, so as to be in more  explorative ways together.

I’ll keep playing they game with my son. Because I’m his dad and I care about how he develops. And though I gamed it with him (access points matter right), the ability to wonder will always be essential in this increasingly complex and fast-changing world. Make It Six just offers an alternative starting place.

Soar or Sour

When something sours, like milk, it takes on an acidic taste and curdles into chunks. It’s pretty yucky. Take a chug of that milk and you’ll likely spit it out immediately through a grimacing face. And, you’ll likely be just a bit more vigilant about checking “best-before” dates for a while.

This morning I was writing about one of the dreams I had last night. For the last seven years or so now I’ve been using a five step process that I created of working with my dreams. I was on step five, writing out a few assignments to pay attention to during the day, informed by my dream. I meant to type the word “soar,” but my computer autocorrected to “sour.” I laughed. Slightly different direction.

Sour does have it’s place, however. I think of fermented cabbage, Korean kimchi, that keeps for a very long time. Kimchi is for many, an acquired taste that I got in 1984 and 1985 when I lived as a missionary in Korea. I had my initial yucky face grimace with kimchi, but really grew to love and crave the taste. Still do. Nonetheless, “sour” often has a negative connotation. It’s not quite like the “sweet” of chocolate, is it. Few people dispute the goodness of chocolate. But “sour” — sour often gets a bad rub.

Somewhere in this dream-working process and the laughter of auto-correct, I began thinking about another experience in my Korean language days. I had an instructor back then who challenged myself and my fellow missionaries to set goals on how much language we could learn. Back then it was relatively simple and helpful — another ten vocabulary words in the next ten minutes. It helped. Without question. I also remember however, that I was a bit resistant. Even then I had some default in me that leaned to more process-oriented “goals.” I remember thinking that “I’ll do my best.” It was a process goal that I was convinced might yield more than ten vocabulary words, but also sometimes less. I also remember that I didn’t want to be doubted in these goals; I wanted to be trusted.

The value of goal-setting is about as hard to argue as the value of chocolate. Indisputable. You’re nuts if you don’t think it is valuable. I share this perspective, definitely. However, like most “indisputable” claims, a problem arises when alternatives are completely dismissed as invalid. Sour has it’s place, by choice. Process has it’s place, by choice.

In the last thirty-five years I’ve met and been with plenty of people that adhere religiously to goals. Stretch goals tend to produce whether applied to sit-ups, vocabulary words, or setting a direction for a team. But please, no really, PLEASE, could we create just a little more space for process commitments. This is the likes of values that inspire and principles that give meaning to all of the production and doing that is such a part of most of our lives. Goals have a lot to do with management. Good, keep that up. However, process has a lot to do with leadership — engaging people as a group and system to unfold itself into more capacity and potential (it’s hard not to say, “accomplish more goals” here, but therein lays some of the trick of using language).

Process seems to have an inherent trust in it — hmmm? Less coercion — hmmm? Less belief that “unless I make you do it, you won’t” — hmmm? These sound a bit familiar for any of us with kids — the garbage isn’t going out if I don’t offer a reminder or two. But then again, perhaps this is the developmental marker — at some point we are not kids and teenagers, and need to evolve from the manipulation of each other into the sweetness of matured choices together. Of brains more fully thinking. Of hearts more fully engaging. Of imaginations more fully creating.

The times call for this thinking, engaging, and creating, right? This kind of challenging how we do; not just insisting on goals of more — twice as much in half the time with half the resources. It’s time to look beyond the obvious and the patterned immediateness so apparent in contemporary society. Soar, yes. Put perhaps with a bit of deliberate sour mixed in.

 

 

 

From Things Residual

In her book Big Magic, Elizabeth Gilbert writes about the 20th century Irish poet Patrick Kavanagh. She describes him in the context of artists (poets, musicians, painters, dreamers and the like) and how they must often steal away to create their art. There are few artists that have complete spaciousness and funding to simply compose at their leisure. Rather, they are more often, hungry, and can’t help but create in the moments that they squeeze out of an ordinary life.

In describing Kavanagh, Gilbert applauds his ability to create extraordinary from the ordinary, and quotes one of his poems:

See over there
A created splendor
Made by one individual
from things residual.

I come from pretty ordinary people that could do extraordinary things. This includes my grandparents who did not have the means to take us four grandkids out to a movie with snacks and drinks. However, they did have the means to turn home movies (the 8 mm kind you had to thread through the projector) and a shared bowl of popcorn into irreplaceable memory. Ordinary things made extraordinary.

What I deeply appreciate in Elizabeth Gilbert’s writing is her debunking of a pervasive myth — that creativity is for when everything else is aligned and taken care of. You and I know that this is practically never. Rather, creativity is expressed because you simply can’t help but do it. For me, that is often in my writing. I am simply more fulfilled when I have taken the time, even squeezing it in, to put together a few thoughts and insights into a morning of writing. It feeds my identity as a writer and artist, as a creator — though my todo list of basic day to day life needs often arm wrestle for all of the attention.

There is lots of art to create. And, I’m aware that sometimes our “art” is raising a family, preparing a meal, folding the laundry, or even, managing a project team. It’s a clear and important reminder to me, often — and perhaps to many of us — to feed our irrepressible desires to create. Even from the most residual of resources.